humor

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

The person who thinks dogs can't talk doesn't want to learn a second language.

He bowed over her hand and kissed the knuckles. He'd never despised a glove more in his life.

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful.

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas.

Thus, hanging around in our towels (and those weird disposable underpants) was no big deal.

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me!

I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world.

I'm not sexist, I'd f**k both sexes equally if I was gay - John Blu

I really want to punch you right now. Maybe even break your nose._ She rolled her eyes upward, seeking calm. __ut I won__ because I like this dress.

The Earl of Woolsey was indeed completely nude. He did not seem particularly perturbed by this fact, but Miss Tarabotti felt the sudden need to close her eyes tight and think about asparagus or something equally mundane.

The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should hope, and shuffled along, with his head down, as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed. I fancied, indeed, that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection, but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough." -Chapter 3

I wonder why some people find it very difficult to follow God. Perhaps, they are waiting for Him to join a social network before they could start to follow Him.

Don't waste water on washing your shirt, use photoshop!