humorous-quotes

The easiest way to remember your future wife__ birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine__ Day.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.

Get high on love, not drugs.

An inch to a man__ heart is a mile to his wallet.

Ryker smiled at me. __ou learn quick___ cut him off. __f you call me grasshopper, I__ going to slug you._ __adawan._ I shoved him. It was more like shoving a tree. He didn__ even flinch. __ou__e such a nerd.___eek, Millie. I__ a geek._ His lips twitched and it made me want to raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him. I shot him a grin instead. __nly a nerd would know the difference.

Jack coughed slightly and offered his hand. __i, uh. I__ Jack.__im took it. __ack what?___uh?___our last name, silly.___ackson.__he blinked at him. __our name is Jack Jackson?__e blushed. __o, uh, my first name__ Rhett, but I hate it, so_ He gestured to the chair and she sat. Her dress rode up several inches, exposing pleasing long lines of creamy skin. __ell, Jack, what__ your field of study?___iological Engineering, Genetics, and Microbiology. Post-doc. I__ working on a research project at the institute.___eally? Oh, uh, my apple martini__ getting a little low._____e got that, one second._ He scurried to the bar and bought her a fresh one. She sipped and managed to make it look not only seductive but graceful as well. __hat do you want to do after you__e done with the project?_ Kim continued.__epends on what I find.__he sent him a simmering smile. __hat are you looking for?_ Immediately, Jack__ eyes lit up and his posture straightened. __ started the project with the intention of learning how to increase the reproduction of certain endangered species. I had interest in the idea of cloning, but it proved too difficult based on the research I compiled, so I went into animal genetics and cellular biology. It turns out the animals with the best potential to combine genes were reptiles because their ability to lay eggs was a smoother transition into combining the cells to create a new species, or one with a similar ancestry that could hopefully lead to rebuilding extinct animals via surrogate birth or in-vitro fertilization. We__e on the edge of breaking that code, and if we do, it would mean that we could engineer all kinds of life and reverse what damage we__e done to the planet__ ecosystem.__im stared. __ight. Would you excuse me for a second?__he wiggled off back to her pack of friends by the bar. Judging by the sniggering and the disgusted glances he was getting, she wasn__ coming back. Jack sighed and finished off his beer, massaging his forehead. __es, brilliant move. You blinded her with science. Genius, Jack.__e ordered a second one and finished it before he felt smallish hands on his shoulders and a pair of soft lips on his cheek. He turned to find Kamala had returned, her smile unnaturally bright in the black lights glowing over the room. __o_how did it go with Kim?__e shot her a flat look. __ou notice the chair is empty.__amala groaned. __ou talked about the research project, didn__ you?___o!_ She glared at him.__maybe___ou__e so useless, Jack._ She paused and then tousled his hair a bit. __heer up. The night__ still young. I__ not giving up on you.__e smiled in spite of himself. __et.__er brown eyes flashed. __ever.

A survey was done on people who LIE, but the results were unreLIEable

Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. __hat doesn__ look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You__e a lesbian, get in there and do battle._ __hat does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?_ __wo women live together, who kills the vermin?_ Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. __he pest control people, that__ who._ __utch up and get your ass in there. I won__ tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl._ ____ a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you._ Ryann pointed to her face. __ote the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses._ __here weren__ any squirrels in that dirt with me! I__l pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents._ Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. __t__ most likely under the couch. Where__ Grant?_ __fter-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins._ Ryann stared at her in horror. __hat is wrong with your kids?

He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive than this but was forced to cut it short, having been stabbed between the ribs with a broadsword.

Boric, feeling dizzy and light-headed, shambled toward Randor__ corpse, which was still making an impressive effort to pump blood to Randor__ head. His head unfortunately lay some three feet away _ an insurmountable distance for even the most robust circulatory system.

Otis," I said."Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

When you're twenty-one, life is a roadmap. It's only when you get to twenty-five or so that you begin to suspect you've been looking at the map upside down, and not until you're forty are you entirely sure. By the time you're sixty, take it from me, you're fucking lost.

GOD IS MY PROVIDER I BRAG DIFFERENT, THROUGH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.