humorous-quotes

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Damn, he was good. I'd been professionally sullied without a single item of clothing removed.

Tell Jack that after he finishs saving the universe again, he has to take out the trash in the kitchen."-Rosalind Kirby, one day in 1971

I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.

Wisdom of the Ages "News People" Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.

Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat

if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.

Among the top ten things I've learned in life: when your hair stylist is having a bad day, reschedule.

Few seem to be able to eat a turkey leg at Disneyland without splattering tsunami scale grease, so grab plenty of napkins or wear a bib, tablecloth or scuba suit.

Engineer is the one who thinks Dark Fantasy is a condom and not a biscuit

Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Wilson or Brady?" The writing is on the ball...

Everyone lies. Or they have amnesia.

Where's the guy who gave me Twinkies and Coke?

Piter: Ah-ah, Baron! Is it not regrettable you were unable to devise this delicious scheme by yourself?Baron: Someday I will have you strangled, Piter.Piter: Of a certainty, Baron. Enfin! But a kind act is never lost, eh?Baron: Have you been chewing verite or semuta, Piter?

Wisdom of the Ages: "Friendship" The only ship that can weather any storm.

The American dream is actually Cuban.

Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse?