humor

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

Most families around town only had a bottle of aspirin in their medicine cabinets. If you had the flu, you took an aspirin. If you had a toothache, you took an aspirin. If you were bitten by a snake, you took an aspirin. If you developed kidney problems from taking too much aspirin, you took an aspirin. You wouldn't even think of going to the emergency room unless your leg was hanging by a thread. And even then you might wait a while.

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables... There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of it here. The room was as severe as anything in the novices' quarters although it had, perhaps, a more opulent severity; it wasn't the forced bareness of poverty, but the starkness of intent.

Somehow I'd still managed to go all retarded at the sight of some handsome asshole with a nice smile.

Pure joy is rare. That__ why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

You gotta want it.

That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies.

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

How many kids are in the Graveyard?""A bunch.""Who sends your supplies?""George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.""How often do you receive new arrivals?""About as often as you beat your wife.

Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, "Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.

Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!

Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).

Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I've been struck by horny lightning.