Karl Pilkington

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

I__ heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn__ think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn__ want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

I could eat a knob at night.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

A dog has got human eyes.

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!