vices

If I only had a little humility I'd be perfect.

He could sell the Pope on financing a Mormon tabernacle.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I have my standards. They may be low but I have them.

I don't believe in astrology - of course that's very typical of Leos.

When compelled to cook I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag.

I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years.

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life . . . and you messed it up again.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

You can't act like a skunk without someone's getting wind of it.

When someone sings his own praises he always gets the tune too high.

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

I never gossip but I can give you the names of certain people who do.

The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking but that he won't let you stop listening.

Show me someone who never gossips and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people.

I've got nothing against girls in tight sweaters - darn it!

My mother said "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said "Just wait."

Everyone is ignorant only on different subjects.