W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I like children - fried.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at but I wouldn't like to own one.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes I'll get another lawyer."