George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they__e my play. They__e my passion. Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a thought and we__e stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. The same words that hurt can heal.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It__ a matter of how you pick them.

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Life is tough, then you die.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.