humorous-quotes

If you don't think you have enough problems, you should acquire a mammal in Sweden just hours before you're about to fly home to the other side of the world, and then insist that the animal must come along in your luggage.

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.

Do people call you Ollie?_ Lola asked.Oliver looked at her, completely dumbfounded by the possibility of this nickname. She may as well have asked him if people call him Garth, or Andrew, or Timothy.__o,_ he said flatly, and the only thing charming about him was the way his accent seemed to run through every vowel with one syllable. Lola__ eyebrow twitched in her single tell__ildly annoyed__nd she lifted her flashing LED drink cup to her lips.Lola wears mostly black, including her glossy dark hair, and has a tiny diamond pierced into her lip, but, even still, she__ never been able to pull off the full physical manifestation of the angry Riot Grrrl. With her perfect porcelain skin and the longest eyelashes in the world, she__ simply too delicate. But once she decides you__e an asshole, it no longer matters to her what you think. She gives good glare.__he flower suits you,_ she said, tilting her head to study him. __nd you have pretty hands, kind of soft. Maybe we should call you Olive.__e grunted out a dry laugh.__nd a really beautiful mouth,_ I added. __entle. Like a woman__.___w fuck off._ He was laughing outright by then.

And now here I was in McDonald's again for the first time since my earlier fracas. I vowed to behave myself, but McDonald's is just too much for me. I ordered a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke.'Do you want fries with that?' the young man serving me asked.I hesitated for a moment, and in a pained but patient tone said: 'No. That's why I didn't ask for fries, you see.''We're just told to ask like,' he said.'When I want fries, generally I say something like, "I would like some fries, too, please." That's the system I use.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated.'Do you need to know the other things I don't want? It is quite a long list. In fact, it is everything you serve except for the two things I asked for.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated yet again, but in a darker voice, and deposited my two items on a tray and urged me, without the least hint of sincerity, to have a nice day.I realized that I probably wasn't quite ready for McDonald's yet.

Smile while you still have teeth.

At this point I came across one of the vending machines that only Japan has. I have to admit that I love the whimsical items sold in such appliances, like all sorts of junk food, beer cans, whisky bottles and even underwear. This particular machine sold both whisky and underwear, which truly is a bizarre combination, or maybe not, considering all the underwear were female panties. It was therefore my theory that older men would come by and buy the whisky, and then when they were drunk and young women passed by, the men would then offer them panties as gifts for sexual favours. Ya, it all made perfect sense to me.

When first human found life was a virgin then people made it a bitch

Cats, of course, are easier to make fun of. The cutest cat is still a freak. Where__ogs are sympathetic, almost tragic, figures, cats are pure comedy. Dogs are your__uddies, cats are entertainment They're like a TV show. There's nothing funnier than when a cat falls off of something. When a dog falls down a couple of stairs, you rush to it and console it. But when a cat does it, it's funny__ou point at it and laugh (which they don't like, incidentally).

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

Remember, finding a publisher is a lot like a date. You can submit willfully and keep getting rejected, but in the end, you can always self-publish yourself.

Everyone loves to slander everyone, and indulge in it willingly at anytime and anywhere.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

You have to be careful to kill a fly that is perched on your scrotum.

I remember the teacher telling us that Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union, alongside Russia. __he Soviet Union is the largest and most glorious empire that the world has ever seen,_ the teacher lectured. __e__e all proud comrades. We__e all like brothers. We__e so lucky to be part of the greatest nation that has ever existed. We love our country and our country loves us like a mother loves her children.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

Love yourself_ the social horde spouts from on high, mere moments later they frown at a bypassing narcissist.

O.M.G. Lucca, what are you feeding her? Everyday I look at you, and I swear those twinnes must double in size. Look at your bump in this dress, how are you managing to cart that around? Rather you than me chubby." ~Hazel

If you think I'm overdramatic, just remember that Candy Crush calls itself a saga.