humorous-quotes

My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass.""You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason.""Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life.

Despite his flaws, one has to admit that he is a whale-sized catch._____l be thrilled when someone harpoons him,_ Lillian muttered, making the other two laugh.

Life is not for understanding or to known rather it is for living & only for living

Michael Palin : "I am sorry to interrupt you there Dennis, but he's crossed it out. Thomas Hardy here on the first day of his new novel has crossed out the only word he has written so far and he is gazing off into space. Ohh! Oh dear he's signed his name again."Graham Chapman: "It looks like Tess of the D'Urbervilles all over again."- Matching Tie and Handkerchief, "Novel Writing

Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.

I don't care what your daddy told you. I don't care what your grandaddy told you. The South lost. Get over it man! -January, 2003; Opening lecture to Intro to Civil War Era Studies, Gettysburg College

Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love?

Well tarnation you're a meanie pants aren't you?" ~Miss Mary~

I__ not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.__f I hadn__ been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

Look here, my boy, if you have average intelligence, about half the things you do are bound to be right, which is a fair achievement for any career. Don't spend sleepless nights over them.

He was a self-righteous know-it-all who had the breath of a dung beetle, a gray ponytail he barely pulled together from the bozo ring of hair clinging to his balding, freckled dome, and loved to drink, of all things, tea. Usually it was some sickly sweet-smelling herbal crap that was made in the hippie wasteland of Boulder, Colorado. The box was festooned with the image of a happy, dancing bear in a field of multicolored flowers and the tea had some idiotic name like Tai Chai. After work one evening, I snatched the box of tea bags from the break room and changed the recipe. I wasn't really worried that any other employees would use one of the tea bags because NO ONE DRINKS FUCKING TEA AT WORK, especially not the totally useless, noncaffeinated fairy tears reserved for old maids to sip while they watch Murder, She Wrote in bed with their legion of cats.

Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me.

Three things happened in 1945. Daddy went missing, Annie started wetting the bed, and the Lester girl sang about Hitler in the middle of Sunday service.

When it's all been said and done...There's hell of a lot more said, than done.

I can do anything a man can do except get a hard-on--and that's only because I lack the equipment.

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

It was the time of year that makes every poet__ heart sing and every lawyer question their life choices.

Just forget for a minute that you have spectacles on your nose and autumn in your heart. Stop being tough at your desk and stammering with timidity in the presence of people. Imagine for one second that you raise hell in public and stammer on paper. You__e a tiger, a lion, a cat. You spend a night with a Russian woman and leave her satisfied. You__e twenty five. If rings had been fastened to the earth and sky, you__ have seized them and pulled the sky down to earth