humorous

...clearly, we're supposed to be together. If this were the internet, seventeen-year-old girls would be writing slash fiction about us as we speak.

Do you follow the wrestling? Most people think it's illegal, but you can watch it there. Ruby and Python are on display this evening.

I can't get her pregnant! I'm just thirteen. You have to be a man to get a girl pregnant.

We took a right at the fork, heading farther north. The charred houses continued. To the right, a large sign nailed to an old telephone post shouted DANGER in huge red letters. Underneath in crisp black letters was written:IM-1: Infectious Magic AreaDo Not EnterAuthorized Personnel OnlyA second smaller sign under the first one, written on a piece of plastic with permanent marker, read:Keep out, stupid.__e aren__ going to keep out, are we?_ Ascanio asked.__o.___wesome.

If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.

We were encouraged to propose safetyprevention suggestions, and write them all down_ locking doors, walking or exercising with a friend, wearing shoes that don__ hinder running. Erin__ suggestion of __void assholes_ was popular.

This isn't sex."I blinked. "Oh. Then what is it?""An emergency!"I started to argue and then thought twice about it. Considering what Mircea would do to Pritkin if he ever found out about this...Yeah. Emergency sounded good.

Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels?

And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand?

An Irishman walks into a pub,_ she begins and the bar went silent. __he bartender asks him, __hat'll you have?__ Her Irish accent was spot on. __he man says, __ive me three pints of Guinness, please._ The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.__he bartender says, __ir, no need to order as many at a time. I__l keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one._ The man replies, __ou don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.___he bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers._ January__ playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. __ut one week, he ordered only two._ The crowd oohed and ahhed. __e slowly drank them,_ she continued darkly, __nd then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. __ir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.___he man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. __h, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.

You could have heard a bee fluff

Mother said we had reached the Age of Reason and had to be good now. We must have because we wanted Willy Starr instead.

It's Salvation. When Jen told me I had a vision. A vision Rena. I think I saw the blessed mother smiling and she was hold ing a loofa.[In regards to moving out of dorms and having three bathrooms between 4 roomates]

How many kids are in the Graveyard?""A bunch.""Who sends your supplies?""George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.""How often do you receive new arrivals?""About as often as you beat your wife.

Vegtables, what food eats before it becomes food.

The ark was like a portable computer hard drive and Noah was a one-man Geek Squad, and he dumped God's most important files onto it before he zorched the virus-ridden computer that was the world.

If you had a piece of coal, we could hold her down, shove it up her ass, and come collect a big, fat diamond in a few days.