humor-quotes

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.

Get high on love, not drugs.

An inch to a man__ heart is a mile to his wallet.

The world__ most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.

Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools.

Being a Gentleman, has more to do with hiding his flaws, than exhibiting the virtues!

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.___ight, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don__ throw flowers.

I am always happy, because whenever I am sad I just know that somewhere, somehow, there is a person who is PUSHING a door that says PULL.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

My mother-in-law belongs in Hell, but the devil is afraid she__l end up taking over.

He threw his hands to his eyes and hissed. Like the hiss of incinerating ashes. "What is this bright, orange orb in the sky that mocks me with its warmth?

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

So this is what men are like. Well, that's it, then - I am going to be a lesbian.

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.