healing-abuse

Why Is It So Important to Remember?When you were abused, those around you acted as if it weren__ happening. Since no one else acknowledged the abuse, you sometimes felt that it wasn__ real. Because of this you felt confused. You couldn__ trust your own experience and perceptions. Moreover, others_ denial led you to suppress your memories, thus further obscuring the issue.You can end your own denial by remembering. Allowing yourself to remember is a way of confirming in your own mind that you didn__ just imagine it. Because the person who abused you did not acknowledge your pain, you may have also thought that perhaps it wasn__ as bad as you felt it was. In order to acknowledge to yourself that it really was that bad, you need to remember as much detail as possible. Because by denying what happened to you, you are doing to yourself exactly what others have done to you in the past: You are negating and denying yourself.

There is no one way to recover and heal from any trauma. Each survivor chooses their own path or stumbles across it.

No monster would hold the hurt I see in your eyes or carry the guilt you do every day.

Your heartbeat is so different from his," I whisper it; he has to ask me to repeat myself. I explain, "My father_his heartbeat was so fast. I could feel it, racing_it was like his heartbeat shook my whole body. Your heart_it's steady. It feels safe. It's calming me down." And so we stand, and I cry, and listen to his heart until I am calm again, and then we get back to cleaning.

In spite of the horror, in spite of the tragedy, in spite of the weeks of sleepless nights, I'm finally alive. I'm not pretending. I feel real. I'm not playing charades anymore. I wouldn't go back to the way I was for anything. I'm really like a different person. I'm where I am, and I'm making the most of it. I know I'm courageous now. I found out I had it in me to face this. _ Barbara

There is a moment in our healing journey when our denial crumbles; we realize our experience and it's continued effects on us won't "just go away". That's our breakthrough moment. It's the sun coming out to warm the seeds of hope so they can grow our personal garden of empowerment.

My only regret is that no one told me at the beginning of my journey what I'm telling you now: there will be an end to your pain. And once you've released all those pent-up emotions, you will experience a lightness and buoyancy you haven't felt since you were a very young child. The past will no longer feel like a lode of radioactive ore contaminating the present, and you will be able to respond appropriately to present-day events. You will feel angry when someone infringes on your territory, but you won't overreact. You will feel sad when something bad happens to you, but you won't sink into despair. You will feel joy when you have a good day, and your happiness won't be clouded with guilt. You, too, will have succeeded in making history, history.

Generally the rational brain can override the emotional brain, as long as our fears don__ hijack us. (For example, your fear at being flagged down by the police can turn instantly to gratitude when the cop warns you that there__ an accident ahead.) But the moment we feel trapped, enraged, or rejected, we are vulnerable to activating old maps and to follow their directions. Change begins when we learn to "own" our emotional brains. That means learning to observe and tolerate the heartbreaking and gut-wrenching sensations that register misery and humiliation. Only after learning to bear what is going on inside can we start to befriend, rather than obliterate, the emotions that keep our maps fixed and immutable.

What you feel, you can heal.