dysfunctional-families

What is that?_ Addison inspects the food with a look of sheer revulsion on her face. You__ swear I just handed her a plate full of arsenic. __he Works Burger with fries and extra onions and cheese, exactly as you ordered._ I keep my voice level.She sends me a scathing look. __o I look like I__ ever consume that amount of saturated fat?

He knows I__e seen something in him. Something I recognize, only because it exists in me too.

I was wrong last night. Kyler isn__ just trouble. He__ an apocalypse-level disaster waiting to happen. I need to find some fallout shelter to hide in. And quick.

You think you have a handle on God, the Universe, and the Great White Light until you go home for Thanksgiving. In an hour, you realize how far you've got to go and who is the real turkey.

All people cross the line from childhood to adulthood with a secondhand opinion of who they are. Without any questioning, we take as truth whatever our parents and other influentials have said about us during our childhood, whether these messages are communicated verbally, physically, or silently.

My mother's mouth drops. 'Emmy...don't say those things Emmy. Remember, we don't talk about those things.''Yes Mom. I remember. That's why I'm here, looking like this.'An orderly knocks on the door and announces that visiting time is over.My mother and I look at each other awkwardly, and hug.'I love you,' she says.'I love you too, Mom.''You aren't telling them too much are you?' she asks, afraid.I sign. 'No Mommy, I'm not.'She's visibly relieved. She leaves the room.The orderley comes back and escorts me back into the main room.I just sit and laugh to myself." (after Emmy's suicide attempt) ~ The Finer Points of Becoming Machine

It is very difficult to develop a proper sense of self-esteem in a dysfunctional family. Having very little self-worth, looking at one__ own character defects becomes so overwhelming there is no room for inward focus. People so afflicted think: __ need to keep you from knowing me. I have already rejected me, but if you knew how flawed I am, you would also reject me_and since this is all I have, I could not stand any more rejection. I am not worthy of someone understanding me so you will not get the chance...so I must judge, reject, attack, and/or find fault with you. I don__ accept me so how can I accept you?

A woman in Charlotte approached me and said that she__ tired of the dysfunction in my novels. I told her I was sorry, but that is how the world has presented itself to me throughout my life.

The strange part about a person__ lack of trust is that it often comes from not trusting themselves.

Honoring your word is the fiber from which trust is built.

Attitudes and ignorance_ about (any type of) abuse can be passed down through the generations. It is important to our healing that we sort out the belief systems we adopt; belief systems that were taught to us and because they are so full of lies, they lead to all kinds of depressions, addictions and other struggles while we try to cope with the manifestations of the problems instead of the roots of the problems.

I explain to my patients that abused children often find it hard to disentangle themselves from their dysfunctional families, whereas children grow away from good, loving parents with far less conflict. After all, isn't that the task of a good parent, to enable the child to leave home?

Society gives the image of sexual violators as weird, ugly, anti-social, alcoholics. Society gives the impression that violators kidnap children are out of their homes and take them to some wooded area and abandon them after the violation. Society gives the impression that everyone hates people who violate children. If all of these myths were true, healing would not be as challenging as it is. Half of our healing is about the actual abuse. The other half is about how survivors fit into society in the face of the myths that people hold in order to make themselves feel safe. The truth is that 80% of childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members. Yet we rarely hear the word __ncest_. The word is too ugly and the truth is too scary. Think about what would happen if we ran a campaign to end incest instead of childhood sexual abuse. The number one place that children should know they are safe is in their homes. As it stands, as long as violators keep sexual abuse within the family, the chances of repercussion by anyone is pretty low. Wives won__ leave violating husbands, mothers won__ kick their violating children out of the home, and violating grandparents still get invited to holiday dinners. It is time to start cleaning house. If we stop incest first, then we will strengthen our cause against all sexual abuse.

You did not invent these family habits. Your family is like mine, for thousands and thousands of years our families have embraced a dysfunctional lifestyle, passing these habits as gospel on to subsequent generations. This was not done out of malice, spite, or hate, but what they knew best. As ineffective as these habits are, you never stopped to consider another way of loving.

The key problem I encounter working with wounded, depressed, and unhappy people is a lack of connection_starting from a disconnection from themselves and then with others. This is why love often becomes so distorted and destructive. When people experience a disconnection from themselves, they feel it but do not realize the problem.

No one escapes some degree of chaos for it is so ever prevalent; it is the human experience. This realization does not mean we can__ improve. It does mean we can accept our state of chaos, lighten up on ourselves, have fun, and work on improving_we are a work in progress. Enjoy the journey.

Many of the habits of dysfunctional families use are not from the lack of love but are the result of fear. Knowing the love-limiting habits and behaviors of dysfunctional families is a wonderful beginning to lower the fear, allowing us to be real, allowing us all to learn how to love better.

If we want to improve, first we have to recognize our own maladaptive coping skills, called codependency, then change.