George Carlin

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me__hey__e cramming for their final exam.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

Life is sacred"? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Has been for thousands of years! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea.

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!

Fuck rational thought

You know what these __od Bless America_ people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they__e so crazy about. They__e always talking about __hat would Jesus do?_ They don__ wanna know so they can do it _ they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

We__e so self-important. Everybody__ going to save something now. __ave the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails._ And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet, we don__ even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I__ tired of this shit. I__ tired of f-ing Earth Day. I__ tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren__ enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don__ give a shit about the planet. Not in the abstract they don__. You know what they__e interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They__e worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn__ impress me.The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles _ hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages _ And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn__ going anywhere. WE are!We__e going away. Pack your shit, folks. We__e going away. And we won__ leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam _ The planet__l be here and we__l be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet__l shake us off like a bad case of fleas.The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we__e gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, __ause that__ what it does. It__ a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it__ true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn__ share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn__ know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, __hy are we here?_ Plastic_ asshole.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.