humorous-quotes

For the record, and those readers oblivious to metaphor, I would have avoided the subject entirely if my wife did not assure me I was of average size, an opinion as comforting as it is troublesome, because I know how much research she's done first hand. From the chapter, "Small Penis Rule".

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

... With a slight miscalculated leap cleared to the iron picket fence. Put the fear of God into me, picket fences and balls don't mix.

What does it take to be a writer? 1) Foolhardily believing that someone might actually be interested in reading what you've written. 2) Spending an enormous amount of time writing it as well as you can. 3) Accepting that, at best, you'll probably be paid something around 25 cents an hour for your efforts.

We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.

Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What?" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?"I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.

I have two moods:1. Sleep is for the weak.2. Sleeping for a week.

I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I__e had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I__ willing to risk it.

A mother__ eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Dear Me, I made a jackass out of myself tonight. I couldn__ stop it. The second I saw Stacy, I sprouted big donkey ears and a tail. I don__ know why she gets under my skin. Why should I care what she thinks of me? She__l be gone right along with Jason when Alana gets bored. Alana__ lasagna was terrible. No one noticed that I was slipping the harder pieces of it into my salad bowl and hiding them under the lettuce. It__ a good thing they don__ have a dog because if it was to eat the scraps, it would surely die. Jason and Stacy are gonna be shitting pasta shards. I feel sorry for Jason, not so much for Stacy. I__l have to patch things up with Alana, so this may not be the right time to tell her that her cooking is lethal. She was pissed when I left her house. I__ sure she__l tell Mom and Grammy I was a jerk. Jason was probably mad at me too. I feel a little bad about that. Me

I gave up drinking coffee for you. I swapped pizza for produce, and this is what I get in return?

If you dont like my book write your own.

The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very __here._ The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.

Giving the rugged repairman the eye was one thing -- but Charity had no intention of snogging away a whole rainy afternoon when she was supposed to be catching up on her work. Lady Margaret was counting on her! But then again, Lady Margaret didn't have big brown eyes and a cheeky grin.

This is the staff sergeant coming out," Kelly told Hagan quietly. "I'm used to it."Hagan looked him up and down, narrowing his eyes. "You come like a fire hose when he gives you an order, don't you?""Only if he tells me to," Kelly countered with a smirk.

Don't fight the system, mock the system

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.