humorous-quotes

Men fight like men. Women fight like unchained demons.

A right way, a wrong way, and a GREENWAY.

My life is measured into two distinct phases . . . BC is before cellulite and AC is for after cellulite. Sad but so true!

Some people are born without souls and will never evolve.

You know what you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing. He's already been told twice."Darryl the cop

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell--when no one was around to be crushed.

The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks.

I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.

I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house.

Stupidity has a knack for getting its way.

Byron said once of the sea: __he monsters of the deep are made; each zone obeys thee; thou goest forth, dread, fathomless, alone,_ yet Sebastian called it, __ place where nobody beat us, fry us and eat us in fricassee_. Each to their own.

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.

I hope you won't mind, my dear, if we take it," said Thunder Karlsson. "Oh, not at all," said Pippi. "Of course not." And with that, Blom went over and took out the suitcase. "I hope you won't mind, my dear, if I take it back," said Pippi, as she climbed out of bed and went over to Blom.

It's funny how often we celebrate by poisoning ourselves

...the kind of love that picks you up in Akron and sets you down in Rio...

Shakespeare was so ahead of his time that people still don't talk that way.

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,