humorous-quotes

You probably drink too much. If you hand me that bottle, I'll reduce your temptations. --Augustus "Gus" McCrae

What level of personal are we talking about?" she mumbled. "I don't mind discussing my periods in graphic detail, but I'm probably going to stay quiet about the jar of fingernail clippings I carry with me at all times.

I wasn__ a class clown, because nuns have no sense of humor. They have rulers.

I've found that all it usually takes to draw out an engineer is to ask a couple of technical questions and then remain calm while listening to the answers. Most people tend to take on a blank, frightened look as soon as they realize that a technical explanation is under way; if you can resist giving this reaction and simply listen, your engineer will open up and tell you everything you ever wanted to know.

What is that thing? It looks like a model of the human digestive tract made from broken beer bottles and sadness.

Many young athletes joined the gangs instead of aspiring to gold medals in the Olympics. You could easily discern the kind of sport they did by their body shape and injuries. Well-built with a broken nose - a boxer.Broad shoulders with torn ears - a wrestler. Enormous muscles with little to no brain - a bodybuilder. Short with broad shoulders and a quadratic head - a weightlifter.

The difference between an ignorant fool shoveling manure in a bullpen, and a fool with a PhD, is that the fool with the PhD can shovel more of it, faster.

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

Going down 6% grades using only a hand brake and low gears wasn__ for sissies and, in retrospect, might have been for idiots.

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

He is the biggest asshole on the planet,_ Jarod says. __nd in a planet that__ currently drowning in assholes, that__ saying a lot.

Arms wrapped around [Darcy's] abdomen from the back. Fingers felt for the spot above his navel. Two fists pushed in and upward. Darcy felt a violent squeezing sensation. The offending prawn shot out of his gullet, flew across the table, and knocked Tate's wine glass over...Tate looked down at the partially chewed shrimp in disgust and covered it with his napkin.

I would like a cappuccino," says Linus politely. "Thank you.""Your name?""I'll spell it for you," he says. "Z-W-P-A-E-N--""What?" She stares at him, Sharpie in hand."Wait, I haven't finished. Double F-hyphen-T-J-U-S. It's an unusual name, Linus adds gravely. "It's Dutch.

I measure my days by the number of homicidal thoughts I have. I only had two today. So it must have been good.

The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~

A rainy day is a good day to be in bed with a good book - or with someone who has read one."T.K. Lukas

The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.