humorous-quotes

It's not a luxury if you can't do without it!

But Vivien wasn't being given the chance to sow her wild oats. Speaking from a point of authority, it's best to get that shit out of the way when you are young.

You're going to have a watermelon come out of your flap-jack and that shit will never be the same. Never. - Madison

She meant to write: "Is Christy here yet?"Auto Correct turned it into: "Is crazy here yet?"For once Auto Correct got it right.

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but _ what?

Why does getting ahead always have to involve getting up early?

They want your sons.___y_? But I don___ ew!

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire__ rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century.""You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.

It paid to be cultured, just as long as you didn't start growing bacteria.

Macho and manly and stern and, oh man. Sam sighed. Guys like this were never gay. They were always the ones chasing the homos.

I'm turning into an old man. I own four pairs of oxfords, my stories get a little long winded, and my neighbors play their music too loud.

I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.

You should see the murderous stares I get on the street. Though I think that has less to do with seeing a man carrying a purse and more to do with paisley. Paisley makes everyone cranky.

Hopefully not another employee stealing credit cards, Brooke mused. Or any sort of headache-inducing __ops moment,_ like the time one of the restaurant managers called to ask if he could fire a line cook after discovering that the man was a convicted murderer.__eez. How__ you learn that?_ Brooke had asked.__e made a joke to one of the waiters about honing his cooking skills in prison. The waiter asked what he__ been serving time for, and he said, __urder.____ bet that put an end to the conversation real fast. And yes, you can fire him,_ Brooke had said. __bviously, he lied on his employment application._ All of Sterling__ employees, regardless of job position, were required to answer whether they__ ever been convicted of a crime involving __iolence, deceit, or theft._ Pretty safe to say that murder qualified.Ten minutes later, the manager had called her back.__m . . . what if he didn__ exactly lie? I just double-checked his application, and as it turns out, he did check the box for having been convicted of a crime.__rooke had paused at that. __nd then the next question, where we ask what crime he__ been convicted for, what did he write?___h . . . __econd-degree murder.____ see. Just a crazy suggestion here, Cory, but you might want to start reading these applications a little more closely before making employment offers.___lease don__ fire me.

If you constantly make it clear that you are unwilling to budge, don't get upset when no one is around who's willing to give you a push.

Sir Humphrey looked like a sleepy old hippo -- and when he yawned in that big, big, hippopotamus way Charity couldn't help doing likewise.

Uncle Drew shouts. __ou are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.