humorous-quotes

Common sense is only irritating in other people

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on.

you'll accomlish more with a kind word and a gun, than you will with a kind word alone.

At the best of times, Father Bain's face resembled a clenched fist.

So I__ reading some poem by Louise . . . something, I forget her last name, but it__ about Hades and the underworld, and I don__ even notice that Paige has come up to my table until she says, __oesn__ everyone want love?_ And I__ thinking, wow, that__ a pretty deep question, but then again Paige is really smart, and this is my chance to finally show her that I__ not just a dumb jock. So I say, __ heard this theory once that love means your subconscious is attracted to someone else__ subconscious.____ery deep,_ Cade said.__xactly. And I__ feeling proud of myself for that one, until she points to the book and says, __h, that wasn__ a question. I was just quoting a line from the poem.

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

What's more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit.

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither.

I__ like to THANK whoever saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them __EANS_, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!

If dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it!

When a guy says,'I'll call you,' and he doesn't say when-that means he won't call you." Kit pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed a couple buttons. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I fished it out, smiling. "Madness," Kit whispered softly into his phone. "I meant I'd call you. This is me calling you.

How bad could things be if my hair was neat?

This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.

Galen punched his brother hard. "You bastard! You married and din't tell me?"Bathymaas moved to blast him. Aricle stopped her. "I'ts alright my lady. That's his normal reaction.""He needs to find another." Bathymaas"How could you have not told me? I'm your brother! Your twin! When did you marry?" Galen"While you were all gone." Aricles"Have you any idea the shit storm you are about to unleash?" Caleb"It's why I backed down from the fighting. I didn't want anyone hurt. Least of all Bathymaas." AriclesMalphas growled. "Now I want to punch you. . . . But I understand." He rubbed his gold necklace that never left him. "The heart wants what it wants, and nothing will deny it. But damn . . ." He turned his glare to Bathymaas. "Damn.""So what does this mean?" Monokles"The gods will attack her for this. Openly. Those who hate her will say that she can no longer perform her duties because she's been corrupted by the thouch of a mortal. And they will be after Aricles with everything they have." Caleb"I still don't trust him. He bowed out when we needed him the most." Phelix"To protect his wife." Haides reminded Phelix. "Right or wrong, I doubt there's a one of us who wouldn't do whatever he had to to keep his woman safe." Haides"he's right, there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect my wife and her honor." MonoklesGalen hugged Bathymaas and then his brother. "I hate you." galen"I hate you too." AriclesBathymaas scowled. "We don't mean it, my lady. Rather, it's our way of saying that we're still mad, but are willing to forgive." Aricles"Mortals are so strange." Bathymaas

You can't be too careful about work. It's the most dangerous habit known to medical science.