funny-and-random

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.""Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?

If you__e listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I__ like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun____ afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt__ collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I__met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.__indenburg,_ I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. __alt, why in the world_?___orry!_ he yelled. __rong amulet!__he technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn__ much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt__ side and tried to get my bearings.

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

My imaginary pal up there, Mr. NOT, tells me it's my dog-damn ism to kick your illusory he-man's ass. Now, what do you say to that?

If at first you don't succeed, lower you expectations

I'd say," the Ranger answered after a few seconds' deliberation, "that he'll be heading south now that he has the chance. Back into Araluen.""How do you know that?" Horace asked. He was always impressed at the two Rangers' ability to read a situation and come up with the correct answer to a problem. Sometimes, he thought, they almost seemed to have divine guidance."I'm guessing," Halt told him.

Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree.

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you__e having a churro.

She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny.

You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.

Care to explain?_ Ari asked.__idn__ you see my signals?___eah. But they didn__ make sense. Five into one and it__ an intrusion.___t__ an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.___hat__ not the signal for illusion. This is._ Ari demonstrated the proper signal.__hat__ what I did.___o, you didn__. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.___ had a scimitar at my throat. I__ like to see you try signaling under those conditions._-Janco and Ari bickering

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?_ I asked with a growl of my own.His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. __ow did you know about that?_ __abby-Chan told me.___reaking Meko-Chan,_ Kuroi uttered, __ swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?___he told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her._ I realized what I said. __ops._ ~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

World is so full of idiots that you can't even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!