okay

I know you're feeling worried,But I promise I'm okay.You think I'm missing all the fun,But I don't want to play.And I'm not feeling lonely;Yeah, I've got a friend with me.I'm just keeping this corner company.

I close my eyes at his intimate touch. It__ a slow movement, not one meant to seduce. It__ one to show how much he loves me, and I flatten my lips, fighting the urge to cry. Noah nudges me toward him and if it wasn__ for his hold, I__ drop like a house of

So I slap on that smile and pretend everything__ okay even though it__ not.

It's been so long, I don't remember what okay feels like.

His other hand finds my cheek, and he wipes away my tears with his thumb. The chocolate scent overwhelms me as he bends over and whispers in my ear, __o, Cassie. No, no, no.__ throw my arm around his neck and press his dry cheek against my wet one. I__ shaking like an epileptic, and for the first time I can feel the weight of the quilts on the top of my toes because the blinding dark sharpens your other senses.I__ a bubbling stew of random thoughts and feelings. I__ worried my hair might smell. I want some chocolate. This guy holding me__ell, it__ more like I was holding him__as seen me in all my naked glory. What did he think about my body? What did I think about my body? Does God really care about promises? Do I really care about God? Are miracles something like the Red Sea parting or more like Evan Walker finding me locked in a block of ice in a wilderness of white?__assie, it__ going to be okay,_ he whispers into my ear, chocolate breath.

Being satisfied with the little we have; academically, spiritually, financially, ecumenically or otherwise will prevent a lot of problems from coming to us, and our dependence in our abilities and talents will go as far as bringing us satisfaction in life.

I know a lot of stuff, not only about you, about me (of course) and many other people.... "So how I don't know??" you ask yourself??You never asked me and even you asked me you never understood me. You just said "Okay"... and that's all.

Things might not be great, but things would be okay.

Maybe 'Okay' will be our 'always'...

When you think your life is falling apart, it's usually falling together in disguise.

Oh, oh, oh I can't do that and that... Okay I will do that,... I gonna read this book, I will check out this film and in the end few of them have read the book or the books and the film or the films.

...and you drink a little too much and try a little too hard. And you go home to a cold bed and think, 'That was fine'. And your life is a long line of fine.

Everything was okay today, but I am not feeling okay. I think that when the things you like go away, you die a little bit inside, and I think that it takes a long time for you to feel okay again.

Yesterday it was sun outside. The sky was blue and people were lying under blooming cherry trees in the park. It was Friday, so records were released, that people have been working on for years. Friends around me find success and level up, do fancy photo shoots and get featured on big, white, movie screens. There were parties and lovers, hand in hand, laughing perfectly loud,but I walked numbly through the park, round and round, 40 times for 4 hoursjust wanting to make it through the day.There's a weight that inhabits my chest some times. Like a lock in my throat, making it hard to breathe. A little less air got throughand the sky was so blue I couldn__ look at it because it made me sad, swelling tears in my eyes and they dripped quietly on the floor as I got on with my day. I tried to keep my focus, ticked off the to-do list, did my chores. Packed orders, wrote emails, paid bills and rewrote stories,but the panic kept growing, exploding in my chest. Tears falling on the desktick tick tickme not making a soundand some days I just don't know what to do. Where to go or who to see and I try to be gentle, soft and kind,but anxiety eats you up and I just want to be fine.This is not beautiful. This is not useful. You can not do anything with it and it tries to control you, throw you off your balance and lovely waysbut you can not let it.I cleaned up. Took myself for a walk. Tried to keep my eyes on the sky. Stayed away from the alcohol, stayed away from the destructive tools we learn to use. the smoking and the starving, the running, the madness,thinking it will help but it only feeds the fireand I don't want to hurt myself anymore.I made it through and today I woke up, lighter and proud because I'm still here. There are flowers growing outside my window. The coffee is warm, the air is pure. In a few hours I'll be on a train on my way to sing for people who invited me to come, to sing, for them. My own songs, that I created. Me__ittle me. From nowhere at all. And I have people around that I like and can laugh with, and it's spring again. It will always be spring again.And there will always be a new day.