okay

dear today, i spend all of you pretending i'm okay when i'm not, pretending i'm happy when i'm not, pretending about everything to everyone.

The sky was so blue I couldn__ look at it because it made me sad, swelling tears in my eyes and they dripped quietly on the floor as I got on with my day. I tried to keep my focus, ticked off the to-do list, did my chores. Packed orders, wrote emails, paid bills and rewrote stories,but the panic kept growing, exploding in my chest. Tears falling on the desktick tick tickme not making a soundand some days I just don't know what to do. Where to go or who to see and I try to be gentle, soft and kind,but anxiety eats you up and I just want to be fine.

It__ not okay,_ I tell her. This gets her attention; it__ not what she was expecting. __ou don__ have to be okay._ __hat do you want from me?_ Her voice is ragged, desperate. __ want you to let yourself be broken. Let yourself hurt._ She shakes her head again. __ can__. If I let it out, it__l never stop._ __es, it will.

Maggie squeezes my hand. It__ a silent message that everything will be okay. Somehow I believe her. In the end everything will be okay. But hurdles have to be jumped through first.

You__e lonely,_ they say,but it doesn__ scare me anymorefor it teaches me,and maybe that__ the biggest win from these years:I don__ need anyone else to distract me from myself anymore,like I always thought I would.I don__ break mirrors anymore,like I always thought I would. I can finally stand myself,and I never thought I would.

Yesterday, she shed tears, keeping her head on my shoulders. And I think she's not going to be fine because I know she won't. Because a couple of years back, I wasn't.And when you know that you've fallen hard on a cold ground and are still lying there, what do you tell others who are taking the fall?You close your eyes. You accept to lie there a little longer. But I lie on my bed now, and it's a little too warm today.

But we have to learn to be free. We have to, Nell. Doesn't mean happy all the time, or okay all the time. It__ okay not to be okay. I told you that, but I'm relearning it myself. But not being okay doesn't mean you stop living.

The worst part of being okay is that okay is far from happy.

There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. We'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think 'it will be okay if it can just be like this forever' but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever.

POLISH your MIND to reflect the shimmering BEAUTY of your WORDS and ACTIONS.

If she spoke, she would tell him the truth: she was not okay at all, but horribly empty, now that she knew what it was like to be filled.

You want money... Okay... Now few dollars... then few... then few... and poof everything is gone. That's call failure!

My ship _ the Demeter, was a star-liner operated by the Red Star Line. I say __as_ because of the events you will read about in this account. This is a long letter, I know, but I had quite a long time to write it. You probably already know this, having seen the commercials running on all the major channels for the last twenty years or so, but the Red Star Line is the largest cruise operator in the known universe. Unless something has changed between now and by the time you read this, this is probably still true. In fact, customers of the Red Star Line get more quality, value for money _ and smiles by Demeter than they do anywhere else. Okay, okay. It__ an old joke _ corny for sure, but what the hell.

I wont cry, it'll be fine. I'll take my last breath. Push it out my chest 'til there's nothing left.

We got to see a Corsair ship up close _ all matt black, no markings, no lights _ and practically invisible out here in the dark! What a sight to behold! Most people don__ get to see those bastards up close. That is, for very long! Anyways, the ship was just floating there, no sign of life. Our hails weren__ being answered, and so we assumed the ship was dead in space. Captain Mulligan, gods-rest-his-soul, told me to form a boarding party of security and medics from the sickbay and that we were going over there. We weren__ a military ship, and we__e not Star Marines, so we were lightly armed and quite nervous. I mean, this wasn__ just some of my security section being called out to break up a fight at one of the bars on the promenade, this was serious life-and-death shit! So I said __kay_, and told my assistant supervisor, Lisa Garfner, to get them all together. Seven of us shifted over to the other ship with the transmatter (you still use those things, I take it?) not knowing what to expect. It could__e been anything_ and it was. It was crazy.

Stop being okay with the norm, seek to transform.

I know your final destination, I suggest to change it. (Is it Okay??? (FINAL DESTINATION FILM) )

Are you okay?_ __eah._ __ood,_ she said, __ecause if you fall off a skyscraper, I__l be so mad at you.