humorous-quotes

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly.

I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! _#__odgedabullet_

The oddly shaped man had introduced himself as a Mr. Abernathy, a wealthy friend of the family. "I'm a wealthy friend of the family," he had said. "Very rich. Friendly.

Finish is a laundry powder. I feel guilty when I finish a book.

Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate.

You know?_ he asked.__es. I know what I am.___ou _ you do?_____ a time traveler.

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

Well done girl, I . . I admire your treachery.' Ecruba hissed at Edith.

You soon know the difference between a real newspaper and an electronic one as soon as a fly won't leave you alone.

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint!

How did you know they were there?" Glory asked. "Oh wait, I forgot, NightWings are all-knowing, all-seeing and all-brilliant, right?" "Don't forget al-wonderful and all-brilliant.

How is that weird?_ Dark the First asked incredulously. __iterally everyone does it. Literally._ __ really wish you__ stop saying literally,_ Dark the Second said. __ literally don__ think you understand what that word means.

I don__ really believe in aliens. I like to think of them as planet challenged.

Just because someone__ a pain in the ass in life, doesn__ mean when they__e dead, we shouldn__ be respectful.

Shut your gob, You tell me nothing in my kennel. Here, I am Queen Bitch, and you will muzzle yourself. Kebibi Ahuda to prisoner

Sometimes being successful means pissing people off

His overactive charm poured out like a lone drainage pipe after a flash flood.

All art requires is courage and the commitment to eat lots of biscuits. D Ellis / 2016