Justin Halpern

Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup