humorous

I cannot see you anymore. Your ego spans higher than the Himalayas._ Sutara

Put it on your forehead and you'll feel better in no time!

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

Kalina remained paralyzed in her seat. __h, crap. Aaron was a vampire._ She straightened up. Remain calm, Kalina. Breathe. __ou're not going to eat me, are you?___o,_ said Stuart. __ot all vampires feed on humans. I choose not to. I drink Vampire Wine.___ampire Wine._ Kalina put the pieces together. __aegar...I thought he was kidding...___nd Aaron drank Vampire Wine, too. To avoid succumbing to temptation. To avoid drinking blood whenever he got too...excited....__alina's eyes widened. __o you mean...___ampire Wine wasn't the problem, Kalina. It was the only solution.

One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis.

There were two books I remember changing my life as a introverted, bookish 14 year old. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. One was set in a fantastic world, populated by outlandish characters,tired prose, foul monsters, evil incarnate and a message about losing one's humanity. The other book was about hobbits.

One should never marry a man who doesn't own a decent set of scissors.

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

On a cooler sun on a primordial earth: "I later learned that biologists, when they are feeling jocose, refer to this as the 'Chinese Resaturant Problem'--because we has a dim sun.

Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent him screaming off into the night.

Two kinds of people always lie about their ages: actresses and Latin American pitchers.

I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap

__hat a blight that woman is. Do you happen to know why? I lean toward a malignant fairy at her christening.

There's a place for farts, and there's a place for sharts.

Time passed quickly. Constant did not move.

Spider or gum? Spider or gum? I thought quickly trying to come up with a believable excuse when I blurted out, __ swallowed a spider!_ What? I swallowed a spider? What the hell is wrong with me?!

If somebody tells me what to do, I will do my best not to do it.

John and I have made this stuff our hobby, in the way that an especially attractive prisoner makes a hobby out of not getting raped. Jesus, that__ a terrible analogy. I apologize. What I__ saying is that it__ self-preservation. We didn__ choose this, we just have talents that makes us the equivalent of that new guy in the cell block who has a slim, hairless body and kind of looks like a woman from behind, and has an incredibly realistic tattoo of boobs on his back. He may have no desire at all to ever even touch a penis, but it__ going to happen, even if it__ just in the process of frantically slapping them away. Jesus, am I still talking about this? [John__lease delete the above paragraph before it goes off to the publisher].