Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I am two with nature.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.