St. John Morris

On the other side of St John__ house is a fake egg timer who can__ maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year__ Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.

Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940__ Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.

Your toaster__ a puff.

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who__ Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant for Longchamp.

Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He__ currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing voice. He__ also the owner of the world__ largest collection of tenor geese.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.

What have you got in there you little bastard?

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had been left on the lawn by Marmaduke, next door__ ginger cat. His father had wandered in to the garden and seen St John mesmerised by the twirling mahogany baton. __hat are you doing son?_ he asked.__oasting a witch_, St John replied.

Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been caught administering counterfeit buttercup syrup to the local yeomanry whilst on a hunting trip to Stoke-Poges.

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave__ socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave__ three.

Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter__ day.

Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she__ only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller__ rices and I told her. That__ for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt.

Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset__ pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.

Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.