Rodney Dangerfield

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.