Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.