Robert Orben

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

President Ford used humor a great deal.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there I go to work.

Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper he would have asked for separate checks!

"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans football fans hockey fans and gardeners.

Have you noticed when you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper.

I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home.

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.