Robert Orben

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Time flies. It__ up to you to be the navigator.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.