Ogden Nash

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Purity is obscurity.

Here lies my past Goodbye I have kissed it Thank you kids I wouldn't have missed it.

There are people who are very resourceful At being remorseful And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends Is to do something terrible and then make amends.

In the world of mules there are no rules.

Parsely is gharsley.

One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.

Progress might have been all right once but it's gone on too long.

Poets aren't very useful because they aren't consumeful or very produceful.

The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure.

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin with a grin.

Some people's money is merited and other people's is inherited.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

Here's a good rule of thumb Too clever is dumb.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.