quips

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town I see that each of you bought two or three seats.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

More and more these days I find myself pondering on how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.

When people don't want to come nothing will stop them.

Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband.

Don't quote me that's what you heard not what I said.

The butler entered the room a solemn procession of one.

I don't know much about being a millionaire but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Epitaph to a waiter: By and by God caught his eye.

An indecent mind is a perpetual feast.

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

India is a geographical term. It is no more a United Nation than the Equator.

Fatigue is the best pillow.

There's a wonderful family called Stein There's Gert and there's Epp and there's Ein: Gert's poems are bunk Epp's statues are junk And no one can understand Ein.

Oats n.s. A grain which in England is generally given to horses but in Scotland supports the people.

Shake a bridle over a Yorkshireman's grave and he'll rise and steal a horse.

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.