Kathy Griffin

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That__ right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that__ a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.

It always pisses me off when I__ calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what__robably this book, so get ready, I__ comin___hen the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: __o Kath, I don__ know what you chicks are always complaining about._ To which I respond: __eally? Why don__ you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

Of course, I__e told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it__ God__ will.

I was raised right _ I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.

When my pals in high school were starting to drink, it always looked unappealing to me. I would be at a big party and see one of the popular girls or football players completely wasted and puking and acting a fool, and think to myself, There__ nothing cool about that. I never wanted to be that out of control.

So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.