Julie Buxbaum

I realize we all walk around pretending we have some control over our fate, because to recognize the truth--that no matter what we do, the bottom will fall out when we least expect it--is just too unbearable to live with.

Tears are kind of like urine. There's only so long you can hold them in.

There__ nothing lonelier than a hand on glass. Maybe because it__ so rarely reciprocated.

I think that's what people do with the holidays. They wrap it up all neatly with a turkey and clever gifts and lots of eggnog and laugh and laugh, but at the end of the day there are always people missing from the table. And you have to either sit with those empty chairs and laugh, or you can choose not to come to the table at all. I would rather come to the table.

Just so you know, I realize that what happened is not in any way okay, but I think we're going to have to pretend like it is.Because it wasn't okay and never will be. We will power through it; I will continue to power through it-all the stagnant, soul-crushing grief-but it will never be okay that my mom is not here.

Because if I'm going to spend at least seventy-five percent of my waking hours doing something, I want that something to have meaning. I am tired of wasting my time. I am starting to realize that I want my life to matter in every way that it can.

Right. So what don't get is why everyone is mad at me, instead of realising that I am the one who has been wronged here. Not a single person has come up to me and said,"I'm really sorry this happened to you." Not one person.

So strange that David Drucker of all people was the only one who said the exact right thing: Your dad shouldn't have died. That's really unfair.

And now that I've been exposed to this feeling, perfect mouth against perfect mouth, the natural order of things, I wonder why people don't kiss all day, every day. How does anything ever get done?

I mean , I never even had to really come out to my parents. They always knew, and it was always okay. Or not even okay, better than that. Not something that had to be evaluated at all. It just was. Like having brown hair.

Tears are kind of like urine. There is only so long you can hold them in.

I also have a list of favorite noises. It has one item on it: Kit's laugh.

FAVORITE GIRL IN THE WORLD. STILL MY FRIEND? Please meet me on the bleachers after school. Please. And I__ sorry. Sorrier than any person has ever been sorry in the history of sorry people. I__l put in one last please for good luck. Sorry. Again.

You look beautiful even when you cry. I mean, not that you don__ look beautiful when you__e happy. Of course, you__e beautiful all the time. But out there in the snow, you were stunning.

we match,_ I say, and as soon as the words are out I already know that tomorrow will come and I will remember this moment and wince. We match?? And so, even through this drunken haze, I feel relief when he doesn__ laugh at me. Instead he squeezes me a little tighter, brings me a tiny bit closer so my edges are against his edges, and it__ all warm. Our bodies fit. I secretly sniff him, and get rewarded with his fresh lemony scent

I try to think of other things. David__ hand in mine. That was nice. Innocent, friendly hand-holding. I think of his tape measure. And his haircut. I think about what it might be like to kiss him. Not that I really think of him that way-like a boyfriend or even just some hookup-but still I imagine kissing him would feel good. A true thing. A real thing. I imagine he tastes like honesty.

Will you think about the kissing?_ he asks, and I laugh again and mimic his shrug. If only he knew how much I think about the kissing. __ill you reconsider hand-holding?_ he asks, instead of answering, I move my arm so it__ next to his, so we are lined up, seam to seam. He reaches out his pinky finger and links it around mine and a warm, delicious chill makes its way up my arm. We stay that way for a minute, in a pinky swear, which feels like the smallest of promises. And then I grab his whole hand and link his fingers in mine. A slightly bigger promise. Or maybe a demand: Please be part of my tribe. It__ pretty simple, really. For once, things are not complicated. Right now, right here, it__ just us, together, like this. Palm to palm. The most honest of gestures. One of the ways through. Maybe the best one.

I liked holding David__ hand, though. That part-the snow dampening my face, letting my tears mix without anyone seeing, his fingers snug in mine-that was nice. His hand was heavier than I would have guessed. More solid. Like he could keep me from flying away.