Craig Ferguson

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

At CBS, I__ in your house. I__ mindful of that. When I do standup, you__e in my home and I can say what I want to.

I don__ think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) __oes this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know