Craig Ferguson

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed

If I have a near-beer, I__ near beer. And if I__ near beer, I__ close to tequila. And if I__ close to tequila, I__ adjacent to cocaine.

I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. "Listen," she said, not unkindly, "up until now I would say that ninety-nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?"I nodded."Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!"I took the drugs.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.