Bob Hope

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.