Bob Hope

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

It you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.

If you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

I do benefits for all religions. ... I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.

I don't generally feel anything until noon then it's time for my nap.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?