openers

Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.

As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts I'd get the heck out of here.

Once you get people laughing they're listening and you can tell them almost anything.

At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy.

I'm an idealist: I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world of any class or race simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man."

We were worried that our main speaker wouldn't be able to make it tonight. But fortunately due to a hole in the prosecution's case . . .

Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating."

Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously they've never heard me tell a joke.

I do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency it will be okay.

My father gave me these hints on speech making: Be sincere ... be brief ... be seated.

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."

My job is to talk to you and your job is to listen. If you finish first please let me know.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought Why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

Thank you for the privilege of speaking to you in this magnificent auditorium. You know the meaning of the word auditorium don't you? It is derived from two Latin words audio "to hear " and taurus "the bull."