leaving

Cutting my roots and leaving my home and family when I was 18 years old forced me to build my home in other things, like my music, stories and my journey. The last years I have more or less constantly been on my way, on the road, always leaving and never arriving, which also means leaving people. I__e loved and lost and I have regrets and I miss and no matter how many times you leave, start over, achieve success or travel places it__ other people that matter. People, friends, family, lovers, strangers _ they will forever stay with you, even if only through memory. I__e grown to appreciate people to the deepest core and I__ trying to learn how to tell people what I want to tell them when I have the chance, before it__ too late. _

This is how I disappear in pieces.This is how I leave without moving from my place.This is how I dance away.This is how I'm gone before you wake.

I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that they__e hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. It__ so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter.I see it now though.Every day, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I__ falling asleep in his bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I__l book a flight to Paris, or Hawaii, or maybe New York. It doesn__ matter where I go, as long as it__ not here. I need to get away from Phoenix__way from him__efore this goes even one step further.And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.This cannot end well. That__ the crux of the matter, Sweets. I__e been down this road before__ou know I have__nd there__ only heartache at the end. There__ no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. It__ happening already, and I cannot stop it. I__ becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long, I will be intolerable, and eventually, he__l leave me. But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature compels me to do, and move on, the end is no better. One way or another, he__l be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now, Sweets, before it gets to that point? Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destruct?Tomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself, and to him. Tomorrow.What about today, you ask? Today it__ already too late. He__l be home soon, and I have dinner on the stove, and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door, and I will pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever.Just one last time, Sweets. Just one last fix. That__ all I need.And that is why I now understand addiction.

I love you. I love you. I send this message through my fingers and into his, up his arm and into his heart. Hear me. I love you. And I'm sorry to leave you.

A person who doesn__ understand both sides of an issue can__ relate to the side he is trying to sway, so his words will bounce off of them without leaving any impression.

I don__ want just words. If that__ all you have for me, you__ better go

The more you believe, the more you'll be leaving you, when what you believed turns out to be just lies. Or unjust lies. Or any lies, anyway.

Such is life, imaginary or otherwise: a continuous parting of ways, a constant flux of approximation and distanciation, lines of fate intersecting at a point which is no-time, a theoretical crossroads fictitiously 'present,' an unstable ice floe forever drifting between was and will be.

I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.

I know absolutely nothing about where I'm going. I'm fine with that. I'm happy about it. Before, I had nothing. I had no life, no friends, and no family really, and I didn't really care. I had nothing, and nothing to lose, and then I knew loss. What I cared about was gone; it was all lost. Now I have everything to gain; everything is a clean slate. It's all blank pages waiting to be written on. It's all about going forward. It's all about uncertainty and possibilities.

And I realized that there's a big difference between deciding to leave and knowing where to go.

it's something rebellious about picking up and leaving buying a one way ticket and not knowing when you want to return.

Yesterday, today, tomorrow and maybe forever, living and leaving without you.

When someone puts an end to something, it doesn't mean that he gave up, it means that thing is not taking him anywhere.

If I die today, will you remember me tomorrow?The love I'm leaving behind, will you care to borrow? From a snake-shed-skin or from the sky unknownIn all living and the dead I'll dwell to groan

Someone who lives always with a plane schedule in the drawer lives on a slightly different calendar.

I__e just been transferred to Kanglung,_ I say. They look at me to see if I am joking, and then they look at each other. There is a long, terrible silence and we all look at the floor. Karma Dorji wipes his runny nose on his sleeve and looks up. __h, miss,_ he says sadly. __lease don__ go.___ust a minute,_ I say, and go into the bathroom. I latch the door and turn on the tap full force. When the water is running noisily, I lean my hot forehead against the damp, flaking concrete, and cry.

You get use to someone__tart to like them, even__nd they leave. In the end, everyone leaves.