Marie Sexton

I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that they__e hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. It__ so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter.I see it now though.Every day, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I__ falling asleep in his bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I__l book a flight to Paris, or Hawaii, or maybe New York. It doesn__ matter where I go, as long as it__ not here. I need to get away from Phoenix__way from him__efore this goes even one step further.And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.This cannot end well. That__ the crux of the matter, Sweets. I__e been down this road before__ou know I have__nd there__ only heartache at the end. There__ no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. It__ happening already, and I cannot stop it. I__ becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long, I will be intolerable, and eventually, he__l leave me. But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature compels me to do, and move on, the end is no better. One way or another, he__l be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now, Sweets, before it gets to that point? Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destruct?Tomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself, and to him. Tomorrow.What about today, you ask? Today it__ already too late. He__l be home soon, and I have dinner on the stove, and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door, and I will pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever.Just one last time, Sweets. Just one last fix. That__ all I need.And that is why I now understand addiction.

The number of people who believe a thing has no bearing upon its truth.

You can__ control what others think. The only thing you can control is yourself. Some people will look down on you for your choices in life, no matter what they are. You can__ do anything about that. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life. And to hell with everybody else

Our one employee came warily out of the back. He was always skittish with me, and if Lizzy wasn't around, h made a point of keeping his distance. I think he was expecting me to make a pass at him. He was seventeen, had stringy black hair,bad skin, and probably weighed a buck five soaked wet. I didn't have the heart to tell him he wasn't my type.

Jared was completely gone now, holding his stomach and laughing so hard that tears were running down his face. Matt turned on him and snapped, "It's not funny," which only made Jared laugh harder."Any of you guys strict about top or bottom?" Angelo asked, "'Cause if so, you'll screw it all up-""Literally," Cole said."And we'll have to start all over." Angelo turned to Matt. "If you got a strong preference you better say so now.""Lay it all out, so to speak," Cole said."On the table." Angelo said."For all to see.""Zach does like to watch," Angelo said, winking at me, and I was relieved that with the direction the conversation was going, nobody took him seriously."Then it's settled!" Cole said. "Who's going where with whom first? Zach, I think you're up." He winked at me. "Or you soon will be.""Oh dear God," Mat moaned, hanging his head. "I knew I shouldn't have come.""Don't worry about it a bit," Cole said. "I'm sure Zach can coax at least one more out of you."Jared laughed so hard, I was amazed he managed to stay in his chair.

What the hell happened to your leg?" Ang asked him. Matt looked down at his shin, which was scraped and oozing and seemed to be caked in mud. "Crashed.""Crashed what?" Ang asked. "My mountain bike. We just got back.""You crashed, then what? Rolled in dirt?"He laughed. "Something like that actually. It's not a successful ride if you don't bleed." He must not have noticed the look of horror on my face, because he asked, suddenly enthusiastic, "You guys ride?"Angelo and I just looked at each other, and he seemed to realize that was a "no." "Too bad. Well, make yourselves at home. Beer's in the fridge. I have to get cleaned up. Kickoff's in ten minutes.""Football?" Angelo asked. Matt looked at his as if he had just asked if the sky was really blue. "Yeah! First game of the regular season!" We just stared blankly at him, and he just laughed and disappeared down the hall. Angelo looked at me with a smile on his face. "Four fags watchin' football. Must be pretty fuckin' cold in hell right now.

You are the know place to which the unknown is always leading me back.""I possess nothing worthy to give you." "There's only me." ~ quotes from poetry that Angelo feels match him and Zach

It struck me again the ways Angelo and I were like them. Angelo was my angel, and I was ever on the ground, looking up at him. It was no wonder Jon and I hadn't been able to make things work--we'd both longed for something grander. And it was no wonder Cole and Angelo had been drawn to each other, and yet, they had only brushed wings in the night, neither one of them able to stop in their flight.