humor

Let's get you into a room and conduct our own chemistry experiment," he said against my lips."Or maybe we'll just find a table to bend you over, since chemists do it on a table... periodically.""Mmm. I love it when you talk nerdy to me.

_It was like he waved his magic wang, and I totally forgot how I__ not a gullible teenager anymore.

Foxy, you made me blow a load in my jeans.

Spread, Foxy. Show me that sweet spot.

Maybe I should put an ad online. Honor student seeks overly self-confident young man for fake relationship. Terms negotiable.

Christ, you have a body made for sin.

You ready for this? You ready for what I__ gonna do to you?

Now give me some advice about how to take full advantage of this city. I__ always looking to improve my odds.___ust what I__ expect from a horny actuary._____ serious.__arlos reflected for a moment on the problem at hand. He actually had never needed or tried to take full advantage of the city in order to meet women, but he thought about all of his friends who regularly did. His face lit up as he thought of some helpful advice: __et into the arts.___he arts?___eah.___ut I__ not artistic.___t doesn__ matter. Many women are into the arts. Theater. Painting. Dance. They love that stuff.___ou want me to get into dance? Earthquakes have better rhythm than me_And can you really picture me in those tights?___ake an art history class. Learn photography. Get involved in a play or an independent film production. Get artsy, Sammy. I__ telling you, the senoritas dig that stuff.___eally?___eah. You need to sign up for a bunch of artistic activities. But you can__ let on that it__ all just a pretext to meet women. You have to take a real interest in the subject or they__l quickly sniff out your game.___ don__ know_It__ all so foreign to me_I don__ know the first thing about being artistic.___eeb, this is the time to expand your horizons. And you__e in the perfect city to do it. New York is all about reinventing yourself. Get out of your comfort zones. Become more of a Renaissance man. That__ much more interesting to women.

Since he didn__ seem to understand the situation, I felt it my duty to enlighten him. __rong. You started this stupid rumor and half the school probably believes it__ true. Now you have to stick around and pretend to be my boyfriend to convince everyone I don__ have sex with random guys. Not to mention the fact that if you__ kept your mouth shut about getting laid, you wouldn__ be in this situation.__e raised a brow. __o you__e my punishment?

Speaking of body decorations, I luuhhhvv your belly piercing!_ Heeb said, looking at the gold ring in the center of her slim, tan waist. Despite the artic cold, Angelina had opted for a skin tight, black tube top that ended just above her belly, on the assumption that a warm cab, a winter coat, and a short wait to get into the club was an adequate frosty weather strategy. Heeb was still reverently staring at her belly when Angelina finally caught her breath from laughing.__o you really like it? You__e just saying that so that you can check out my belly!___nd what__ so bad about that? I mean, didn__ you get that belly piercing so that people would check out your belly?___o. I just thought it would look cool_Do you have any piercings?___ctually, I do,_ Heeb replied.__here?___y appendix.___uh?___ wanted to be the first guy with a pierced organ. And the appendix is a totally useless organ anyway, so I figured why the hell not?___hat__ pretty original,_ she replied, amused.__h yeah. I__e outdone every piercing fanatic out there. The only problem is when I have to go through metal detectors at the airport.__ngelina burst into laughs again, and then managed to say, __on__ you have to take it out occasionally for a cleaning?___ah. I figure I__l just get it removed when my appendix bursts. It__l be a two for one operation, if you know what I mean.

She glared at me. I didn't care. One word was playing a loop in my heaad: mine.

You been taking care of yourself a long time, Foxy. You must be fucking hungry for it. I bet you__e drenched right now.

Is there a reason why you__e standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive?

What is that?_ Addison inspects the food with a look of sheer revulsion on her face. You__ swear I just handed her a plate full of arsenic. __he Works Burger with fries and extra onions and cheese, exactly as you ordered._ I keep my voice level.She sends me a scathing look. __o I look like I__ ever consume that amount of saturated fat?

I was wrong last night. Kyler isn__ just trouble. He__ an apocalypse-level disaster waiting to happen. I need to find some fallout shelter to hide in. And quick.

Your_.your bat cave?_ Emily responded.__es, I__ quite proud of it. I put those visiting Boy Scouts to good use building bat houses, and now I__e got dozens of them lining the walls of my tool shed._ She ran a hand down her long, witchy hair. __at houses, I mean. Not Boy Scouts. I don__ have any Boy Scouts in my shed._ She looked around, and Ryan couldn__ help but wonder if anyone might indeed be missing a Boy Scout.

My hands still on his shoulders. __i,_ he says. __orry._ __or what?_ __or the fact that you are such a big flirt._ He laughs. __ou__e the one in my lap. I was just sitting here minding my own business._ __ust the plane, then?_ __f course._ I try to stand up, but he pulls me back down again. __an, the plane is really bumpy today,_ he says.

Ha! Don__ you know that writers are control freaks? We make our characters dance to our own weird tunes. That__ half the fun.__he angled his head ever so slowly to the right. __hat__ the other half?_ Just as the position became uncomfortable, she reversed the motion.__ewriting,_ he said. __ou know how you think of a brilliant response to an insult six hours later when it__ utterly useless? A writer has a time machine. I can go back to the moment the insult was hurled and parry it with my slow but rapier-sharp wit.___elax. I__e got you,_ she said, rotating his head gently to the right. __ guess us nonwriters think you just sit down at your computer and the book comes out the way we read it.___e foster that myth. It makes us seem more like creative geniuses and less like mere craftsmen.