false-self

The awakening process is not about 'finding who you are' but more about finding out about the ego, about who you are not.

Serious spiritual practice is more than serene walks in the woods, lit candles and incense. You have to be committed. You have to be willing to enter into your own darkness and transcend it.

Our need to be "greater than" or "less than" has been a defense against toxic shame. A shameful act was committed upon us. The perpetrator walked away, leaving us with the shame. We absorbed the notion that we are somehow defective. To cover for this we constructed a false self, a masked self. And it is this self that is the overachiever or the dunce, the tramp or the puritan, the powermonger or the pathetic loser.

Secularity is a way of being dependent on the responses of our milieu. The secular or false self is the self which is fabricated, as Thomas Merton says, by social compulsions. 'Compulsive' is indeed the best adjective for the false self. It points to the need for ongoing and increasing affirmation. Who am I? I am the one who is liked, praised, admired, disliked, hated or despised. Whether I am a pianist, a businessman or a minister, what matters is how I am perceived by my world. If being busy is a good thing, then I must be busy. If having money is a sign of real freedom, then I must claim my money. If knowing many people proves my importance, I will have to make the necessary contacts. The compulsion manifests itself in the lurking fear of failure and the steady urge to prevent this by gathering more of the same - more work, more money, more friends.

There's no weakness as great as false strength.

We have the choice of two identities: the external mask which seems to be real...and the hidden, inner person who seems to us to be nothing, but who can give himself eternally to the truth in whom he subsists. (295)

Healthy people understand that others have the capacity to choose to end relationships and it serves as motivation for them to learn to relate in_healthy and loving ways._However, when we are driven by shame, we don't_just fear_losing a_relationship, but we live in_terror_that if we_let anyone really get to know_us, we would never be_desired,_pursued, or loved. In us, that fear can be worked_out in the_development of unhealthy denial, workaholism, perfectionism, chameleon-type behavior, and sadly, even revictimization... When we live in denial or present a false self out of fear... we will do anything to be accepted by people... When we begin to tell the truth about what happened to us we also begin the process of turning about from this type of idolatry... When we begin to tear away our layers of illegitimate shame... When our own vision is not distorted by our shame we can discern what was our responsibility and what wasn't.

The ultimate barrier against love is the barrier of the constructed self.

We are all lies waiting for the day when we will break free from our cocoon and become the beautiful truth we waited for.