domestic-abuse

IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won__ notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won__ notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.

The central attitudes driving the Drill Sergeant are:I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong.I know the exact way that everything should be done.You shouldn__ have anyone else _ or any thing else _ in your life besides me.I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence.I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me. (!!)

Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that__ physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you.

The abuser does not believe, however, that his level of authority over the children should be in any way connected to his actual level of effort or sacrifice on their behalf, or to how much knowledge he actually has about who they are or what is going on in their lives. He considers it his right to make the ultimate determination of what is good for them even if he doesn__ attend to their needs or even if he only contributes to those aspects of child care that he enjoys or that make him look like a great dad in public.

You couldn't not notice the bruise on the side of her face. Or the hickey under her chin.

The abusive man__ high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: __ou owe me._ For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs__r her children____et neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he__l never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn__ believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.

Julia's fears of coming forward with the violence were based on anticipated as well as actual responses from friends and acquaintances. I also recognized Julia's introverted and moody side, but I knew she wasn't capable of inciting her husband to kick, choke, and lock her in her home like an animal. Besides, considering how she was being treated, it was not surprising that she seemed moody, sensitive, even depressed. More important, nothing any woman could do could justify such behavior.

Domestic abusers and the abused need to develop healthy support systems...

It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing anything he tells you about that relationship and instead recognize it as a sign that he has problems with relating to women.

An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he__ not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.

The fact of the matter is, if you haven__ been in an abusive relationship, you don__ really know what the experience is like. Furthermore, it__ quite hard to predict what you would do in the same situation. I find that the people most vocal about what they would__e done in the same situation often have no clue what they are talking about _ they have never been in the same situation themselves.By invalidating the survivor__ experience, these people are defending an image of themselves that they identify with strength, not realizing that abuse survivors are often the strongest individuals out there. They__e been belittled, criticized, demeaned, devalued, and yet they__e still survived. The judgmental ones often have little to no life experience regarding these situations, yet they feel quite comfortable silencing the voices of people who__e actually been there.

Consider these traditional theories of domestic abuse:- Learned helplessness suggest that abused women learn to become helpless under abusive conditions; they are powerless to extricate themselves from such relationships and/or unable to make adaptive choices- The cycle of violence describes a pattern that includes a contrition or honeymoon phase. The abusive husband becomes contrite and apologetic after a violent episode, making concerted efforts to get back in his wife__ good graces.- Traumatic bonding attempts to explain the inexplicable bond that is formed between a woman and her abusive partner- The theory of past reenactments posits that women in abusive relationships are reliving unconscious feelings from early childhood scenarios. My research results and experience with patients do not conform to these concepts. I have found that the upscale abused wife is not a victim of learned helplessness. Rather, she makes specific decisions along the path to be involved in the abusive marriage, including silent strategizing as she chooses to stay or leave the marriage. Nor does the upscale abused wife experience the classic cycle of violence, replete with the honeymoon stage, in which the husband courts his wife to seek her forgiveness. As in the case of Sally and Ray, the man of means actually does little to seek his wife__ forgiveness after a violent episode.Further, the upscale abused wife voices more attachment to her lifestyle than the traumatic bonding with her abusive mate. And very few of the abused women I have met over the years experienced abuse in their childhoods or witnessed it between their parents. In fact, it is this lack of experience with violence, rage, and abuse that makes this woman even more overwhelmed and unclear about how to cope with something so alien to her and the people in her universe.

How could she love him after what he did to her? How could she contemplate taking him back?_ It__ sad that those are the first thoughts that run through our minds when someone is abused. Shouldn__ there be more distaste in our mouths for the abusers than for those who continue to love the abusers?

...Studies have found that children who witness abuse are more likely to accept relationships that are abusive.

Society has seldom considered the vicarious effects of domestic violence between partners on the lives of children.

Domestic terrorism is alive and well in the USA and it is masquerading as __rogress_.

To tell a tale so great as to tear the soul inside out"Sara Niles, Torn From the Inside Out

Suspicion of Abuse gets to your toes before you see it in your face.