domestic-abuse

She could just pack up and leave, but she does not visualize what's beyond ahead.

An abuser isn't abusive 24/7. They usually demonstrate positive character traits most of the time. That's what makes the abuse so confusing when it happens, and what makes leaving so much more difficult.

She serves me a piece of it a few minutesout of the oven. A little steam risesfrom the slits on top. Sugar and spice -cinnamon - burned into the crust.But she's wearing these dark glassesin the kitchen at ten o'clockin the morning - everything nice -as she watches me break offa piece, bring it to my mouth,and blow on it. My daughter's kitchen,in winter. I fork the pie inand tell myself to stay out of it.She says she loves him. No waycould it be worse.

In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients were revealing childhood incest victimization to him. Freud concluded that child sexual abuse was one of the major causes of emotional disturbances in adult women and wrote a brilliant and humane paper called __he Aetiology of Hysteria._ However, rather than receiving acclaim from his colleagues for his ground-breaking insights, Freud met with scorn. He was ridiculed for believing that men of excellent reputation (most of his patients came from upstanding homes) could be perpetrators of incest.Within a few years, Freud buckled under this heavy pressure and recanted his conclusions. In their place he proposed the __edipus complex,_ which became the foundation of modern psychology. According to this theory any young girl actually desires sexual contact with her father, because she wants to compete with her mother to be the most special person in his life. Freud used this construct to conclude that the episodes of incestuous abuse his clients had revealed to him had never taken place; they were simply fantasies of events the women had wished for when they were children and that the women had come to believe were real. This construct started a hundred-year history in the mental health field of blaming victims for the abuse perpetrated on them and outright discrediting of women__ and children__ reports of mistreatment by men.Once abuse was denied in this way, the stage was set for some psychologists to take the view that any violent or sexually exploitative behaviors that couldn__ be denied__ecause they were simply too obvious__hould be considered mutually caused. Psychological literature is thus full of descriptions of young children who __educe_ adults into sexual encounters and of women whose __rovocative_ behavior causes men to become violent or sexually assaultive toward them.I wish I could say that these theories have long since lost their influence, but I can__. A psychologist who is currently one of the most influential professionals nationally in the field of custody disputes writes that women provoke men__ violence by __esisting their control_ or by __ttempting to leave._ She promotes the Oedipus complex theory, including the claim that girls wish for sexual contact with their fathers. In her writing she makes the observation that young girls are often involved in __utually seductive_ relationships with their violent fathers, and it is on the basis of such __esearch_ that some courts have set their protocols. The Freudian legacy thus remains strong.

Truth: Rape does indeed happen between girlfriend and boyfriend, husband and wife. Men who force their girlfriends or wives into having sex are committing rape, period. The laws are blurry, and in some countries marital rape is legal. But it still is rape.

It is essential that children who are directly or indirectly affected by domestic violence receive psychological care.

Children have rights outside their mother's womb without having to be victim's of Domestic Violence inside their mother's womb.

Everybody's good when they're good, darling. You don't judge a person by that. It's how they act when things aren't good that tells you who they really are.

Last night I dreamt Moses and I were rowing underwater.We could breathe and talk to one another.We rowed past schools of fish and sea anemones and Moses named them for me.___ules Finn

When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that__xcuses. We don__ consider an active alcoholic a reliable source of insight. So why should we let an angry and controlling man be the authority on partner abuse?

But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into thecenter of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.

THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS1. He was abused as a child.2. His previous partner hurt him.3. He abuses those he loves the most.4. He holds in his feelings too much.5. He has an aggressive personality.6. He loses control.7. He is too angry.8. He is mentally ill.9. He hates women.10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.11. He has low self-esteem.12. His boss mistreats him.13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.14. There are as many abusive women as abusive men.15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.16. He is a victim of racism.17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.

Although the typical abusive man works to maintain a positive public image, it is true that some women have abusive partners who are nasty or intimidating to everyone. How about that man? Do his problems result from mistreatment by his parents? The answer is both yes and no; it depends on which problem we__e talking about. His hostility toward the human race may sprout from cruelty in his upbringing, but he abuses women because he has an abuse problem. The two problems are related but distinct.

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don__ seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser__ friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone__ image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.

The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:It__ your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I__ unhappy aboutany aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it__ your fault.You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.I am above criticism.I am a very loving and giving partner. You__e lucky to have me.

I have sometimes said to a client: __f you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like. You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be cut down to nothing, to be put in fear, to be told that the abuse is your own fault. You should be less likely to abuse a woman, not more so, from having been through it._ Once I make this point, he generally stops mentioning his terrible childhood; he only wants to draw attention to it if it__ an excuse to stay the same, not if it__ a reason to change.

It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle__hough often quite pervasive__ense of superiority or contempt toward females, and some don__ show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship.

When a man__ face contorts in bitterness and hatred, he looks a little insane. When his mood changes from elated to assaultive in the time it takes to turn around, his mental stability seems open to question. When he accuses his partner of plotting to harm him, he seems paranoid. It is no wonder that the partner of an abusive man would come to suspect that he was mentally ill. Yet the great majority of my clients over the years have been psychologically __ormal._ Their minds work logically; they understand cause and effect; they don__ hallucinate. Their perceptions of most life circumstances are reasonably accurate. They get good reports at work; they do well in school or training programs; and no one other than their partners__nd children__hinks that there is anything wrong with them. Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.