charlie

Craziness is only a matter of degree, and there are lots of people besides me who have the urge to roll heads. They go to stock-car races and the horror movies and the wrestling matches they have in Portland Expo. Maybe what she said smacked of all those things, but I admired her for saying out loud, all the same--the price of honesty is always high. She had an admirable grasp of the fundamentals. Besides, she was tiny and pretty.

As I load my shirt into the washer for the night, I daydream about making a sign and hanging it around my neck. It could read, I MISS CHARLIE KHAN.As I drive home, I picture other signs- one for everyone who has a secret. Bill Coro's would say, I CAN'T READ, BUT I CAN THROW A FOOTBALL. Me. Shunk's would read, I WISH I COULD TOSS YOU ALL ON AN ISLAND BY YOURSELVES. Dad's would read, I HATE MYSELF FOR NO GOOD REASON.

As I drive home, I picture other signs- one for everyone who has a secret. Bill Corso's would say, I CAN'T READ, BUT I CAN THROW A FOOTBALL. Mr. Shunk's would read, I WISH I COULD TOSS YOU ALL ON AN ISLAND BY YOURSELVES. Dad's would read, I HATE MYSELF FOR NO GOOD REASON.My Idea grows.

Mr. Grace sounded like a very small child, helpless, hopeless. I had made him fuck himself with his own big tool, like one of those weird experiences you read about in the Penthouse Forum. I had taken off his witch doctor's mask and made him human. But I didn't hold it against him. To err is only human, but it's divine to forgive. I believe that sincerely.

It's a blip, not a catastrophe.

Incidentally, I only have one cavity, and as much as my dentist asks me to, I just can't bring myself to floss.

As I load my shirt into the washer for the night, I daydream about making a sign and hanging it around my neck. I could wear it to school tomorrow. It could read, I MISS CHARLIE KHAN.

I see it as symbolic. The label no longer fits. His emotional parsimoniousness just got sucked away by the beautiful blue sky. I lean forward and reach my hand behind my back, then take my sign off, and I toss it out the window, too. I am no longer an ex-stripper's daughter, either. I have gone from invisible Vera Dietz to invincible Vera Dietz.

I hate you.'My sister said it different than she said it to my dad. She meant it with me. She really did.'I love you,' was all I could say in return.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

I got a pet monkey called Charlie Chan.

Being his real brother I could feel I live in his shadows, but I never have and I do not now. I live in his glow.

Little kids talk about the strangest things. They really do.

Put my head under my pillow, and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.

She's familiar. My only familiar thing in a world of inconsistency and confusion.

Are you hurt?_ the woman asks.__ust my__ Even after the water, her voice comes out as a dry hiss. She clears her throat and tries again. __ust my ankle.___an you tell us where the others are? Are they . . . ?_ Charlie fades off, but she knows how the question ends.__hey__e still out there. Still alive._ Hallelujah will not think about the alternative. But by not trying not to think about it, she__ thinking about it, and it__ making her feel panicky. __ was the only one who could walk, so I__ She gulps. Draws in a shaky breath.Charlie dismounts his bike and squats down next to her. __o on,_ he says. His voice is soft. His accent is southern. But not hillbilly southern. Deep South. He__ not from around here either.She can__ believe her mind is wandering like this. She tries to focus.__e found__onah found a trail, and I followed it to this road. They__e at a campsite by the trail. I . . ._ Hallelujah falters. __ don__ know how far. I wasn__ walking very fast. We haven__ eaten in . . . a while. And Rachel__he__ sick. She was throwing up. And Jonah cut his leg and it wouldn__ stop bleeding. . . .___esus,_ the woman says.

It's nice to have things to look forward to.