W.C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.