T. Scott McLeod

You had to break, to be unbroken. In the brokenness, I had found, that which was unbroken. That which was perfect, and beautiful, and complete.

To hate the hate was just more hate; to reject the rejection was just more rejection; to judge the judging, just more judging.

To love one__ self, this is the greatest challenge we are all called to face.

What was meaningful? What was meaningless? What did it mean, to amount to something? What type of life, was worth living? Was it better, to make a ton of money, and have a fucking goddamn Mercedes, or whatever the fuck kind of car it was, to be a lawyer with a __erious_ job, and to have __mounted to something,_ or was it better to just be a waiter, and work the evening shift, and have your days free to goof off with your roommates, your friends, to go to meditation, to take some time to reflect, and enjoy life, and to not always be in such a big goddamn rush to get somewhere?

We come to the end of suffering, through suffering.

I am not alone, in my aloneness.

To love, and be loved, this is the greatest challenge that any of us face in our lives.

The mind is limitless, in its creations.

Can you allow yourself to be impaled on the present moment?

I don__ know where I__ going on this path. I don__ know what I__ doing with my life. You had to be lost, before you could be found. These are the truths. You had to be confused, before you could find clarity; you had to suffer, before you could find peace. These were the only ways, life could happen. Of course you were confused before you found clarity. If you weren't confused, then you would already be clear. Of course you were lost before you were found. If you were already found, then you wouldn't be lost. Of course there would be suffering before peace. If there was already peace, then there wouldn't be suffering. One necessarily came before the other.

You will bring yourself the suffering you need to bring yourself so that you may awaken.

Nothing needs to be done, and things get done.

You necessarily have to be lost, before you__e found.

Maybe it__ something which can__ be defined,_ Enso Roshi says. __aybe it__ a question, to be lived.

It is the rub that polishes the jewel,_ Enso Roshi says. __obody ever gets to nirvana without going through samsara. Nobody ever gets to heaven, without going through hell. The center of all things, the truth, is surrounded by demons.

I loved Enso Roshi__ teachings. I loved learning about life. I loved life. It was a good thing to feel. I loved life, and I loved learning, and I was still learning. I was not, yet, done. At the end of our journeys, there would be an end to the journey. Maybe. If I was lucky. If providence shone down upon me gently. I would find love. I would find acceptance. Complete love. Complete acceptance. I would know, that the self, is an illusion. I would come to enlightenment, but that would also mean, there would be no ___ there. I would realize that the ___ was an illusion, all along, just like some great dream. This is what the wise sages say, the great teachings, the mystical teachings, not only from the East, but also from the West. The Gospel of Saint Thomas. Thomas Merton. Thomas, like I was Thomas, and also doubting, the main reasons I__ chosen the name. If nothing else, it was lovable, just as it is. My life. Even the parts I didn__ love, could I love them? The struggles. It was all part of the journey, and would I not look back fondly on this, at some time? Look at how arduous and sincere I__ been. Look at how worried I__ been. Look at how insecure I__ been. Look at how I__ struggled. Trying to find my way. Would I not look back upon myself, affectionately and fondly and with love?

The way is not clear, and it is when you do not have clarity, when this is allowed, that you will finally have clarity.

Let whatever happens, be what needs to happen, so that I may awaken.